all too soon


i think i had a mild panic attack.

it hit me that the next thing "on my list" is to have a baby. the problem is that i'm not ready. i've been so distracted. too distracted. and i felt that it was too late to mend it. that i wouldn't have enough time to get ready for this birth.

i thought of that moment during childbirth where you "hit the wall." it's a rough moment. it's where you literally feel like you can't go on. it was mild with my first, but with MaeMae it was real. and it was scary. that moment played over and over in my head last night. all i could think about was how i'm not ready. i'm not ready to surrender to it. i'm not ready to face it even though in my heart-of-hearts i know that i want a med-free birth - i thought about my epidural friends.

the thing is that i have always said how it's a mental thing. if you have mentally committed that there is no other option, then there really is no other option. you just submit to it. and it is beautiful.

so, because my husband rocks he suggested i take a time out. from now, until i have the baby, all i'm to do is focus on me and this birth. he told me not to worry about the dishes - music to my ears! he calmed and reassured me as we talked and he rubbed my back. i called kiersten today and she motivated me and related with me (they finished remodeling a house and my brother started a master's program while in the last weeks of pregnancy and first few weeks of Baby Gibbs' life).

i really can't wait to meet our Three. Baby, i'm sorry i've been so stressed/busy/distracted, but i guess that i still do have a little time to train my brain and get ready for your arrival. i can't wait to see you, hold you, smell you - know that you are all mine. unfortunately i'm totally sick. like, really sick. fever and all. so please, take your time.


the crew said...

I am only too happy to help in any way I ever can- and still wish I could be there!

love you.

tt moreno said...

you can do it!

John and Shelly Hyde said...

Hays. You are a tough cookie. I have thought about a med-free birth and have entertained the thought but you know... I have never made it. I have had an epidural each time... and I have 2 healthy happy babies that I love. You can do it... with or with out. and you will still Love that baby. I can NOT wait to see this little three. When we will be together again?

Karen and Joe said...

I hope you get well soon, being sick with a fever is a crummy state to be in when preparing to bring a baby in to the world. But I KNOW you can do it! You will do great and we can't wait to meet three too! Good luck, you are a stud!

Garrison Propaganda said...

you are one strong woman, theres no denying that. youve got two young kids, a working husband, the crazy hectic life of a student, many creative outlets (like raising chickens), im sure more than one church calling, and the demanding job of full time mommy. oh yeah and youre pregnant.

sometimes some things do have to give. thats awesome erics taken over some things in house to ease your mind.

jonas was totally natural. it was hell. of course it did NOT help that he was posterior. mercer was induced and i got halfway there and was in so much pain. i remember thinking. what am i trying to prove? whats the point? im not a pioneer dang it, so why try acting like one? who cares if shes natural/not. time to start thinkin about me. and i did the unexpected. i got the epidural and i tell you it was the closest i can imagine to being high. i went from being racked with complete and utter pain to bliss in minutes. it was wonderful!

not trying to make you feel weak, but youre one pooped mamma already. try to make things the easiest and most comfortable you can. after all its one of the last things you get to do for you before youre five and not four! (and yes #3 was an epidural too. and though it wasnt for long it was worth every second).

good luck! and cant wait to see your sweet baby in a matter of time!!!

eric and monica said...

you go, girl. seriously.

nicwoo said...

*sigh* wonderful!

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