on loving my crow's feet

see that dirty mirror? just keepin it real my friends.

Everyone asks how I'm feeling these days. And I honestly can't complain. I tell them I am feeling great. Pregnancy ain't really no thing for me or my body. There are only little complications like swollen ankles and an achy back at the end of the day.

I am told that I am small which is also no surprise considering that I have consistently measured 2-4 weeks smaller than I should be with each pregnancy, but still produce almost 8lb babies. Don't get me wrong though. Even if a pregnant woman is "small" she is still quite pregnant and feels quite pregnant at 7 months.

So yes. I can answer physically that I am doing fine and that I feel great.

Emotionally though, this pregnancy has had me beat and to be honest it's purely selfish and I'm just going to throw it out there.

I have been afraid that I'm losing myself.

I think it's a combination of being in my late 20's. Getting married young. Having three babies. School. And everything else that happens when you realize that you are no longer your spunky self, because well, you are now responsible. There is suddenly more to living than weekend plans and passing Algebra. I'm guessing that we all go through it at some point (you have too, right?). We get hurt. We hurt others. We lose our energy. We overextend and think...What happened to me? When did I get so serious? Why don't I laugh as much as I used to? I used to be cool. Are those crows feet?

I was thinking about it more today though and as I laid down with my overtired and extremely emotional MaeMae at nap time and I couldn't help but think of those things that I have gained through my little and limited experience.

I can calm my fussy toddler. I can doctor a fresh wound (like that one she got yesterday). I can make play dough. I can manage to look a little presentable when my husband gets home at 5:30 after a day of wiping bottoms, cleaning up spilled milk, organizing, cleaning, and breaking up fights. I can play a wicked witch like nobody's business and I can cook pretty well without knowing what exactly has been added to the dinner - compliments of my two eager helpers.

I have learned. I have experienced. I have loved and been given love in return. I am a little wiser and can stand a little taller. I can say no. I can stare my crow's feet down.

Oh, and by the way, I'm so glad that I'm not cool anymore.


nicwoo said...


Timbra said...

I don't know...I think you may be a little cooler for all that growing up you've been doing. And yeah, I've been there too. Beautiful post.

Jenni said...

Lose something. Find something. Change is never easy, that's for sure. Hang in there, kiddo.

And my goodness, she's a cute little devil.

Jason said...

I think you are beautiful!

banananutmeg said...

Aaron often tells me to "lighten up". I get obsessed with a project and forget the fun in living because I stress about it getting done or being perfect. Nice post. I've totally been through this..a few times. I guess I can honestly say I find joy in the responsibility. I like that I can look and my babies and say, "who cares what else I did today...look what I made" nothing else matters, really. other crap can wait. the fun/laughing is there-sometimes you just have to look for it (It is usually hidden under the poop, after the tantrum, in a pile of laundry...somewhere)

Chy said...

Love it. Needed to hear it today.... many a poopy bums at my house.

{Erica} said...

Volumes...this spoke volumes to me. You have no idea how hard you hit in my personal "home" right now.

thank you.

the wife said...

hales, i think you're still pretty cool and funny. so there.

Karen and Joe said...

SO impressed, with you! Really, I get it, all that you said is soo true, and we have all been there and felt that way. You are an amazing girl and you are still cool in my book! :)
P.S. where are you finding the time and energy to do all the blogging, you really are amazing!

Sally said...

I think you still got that spunk missy! Love you!

Saskia said...

Like {Erica} said, this really hit home for me. I don't even have children! We all go through phases were we might be more introspective than usual... I know I certainly get bogged down by all sorts of stuff and lose sight of 'me'. Perhaps this is to keep us in check? Without these negative feelings we might not realise & appreciate the positives.

Hope you're having a good day xx

Lori said...

I think you're still pretty cool. At least you play cool on the ol' blog! But, we've all been there. I'm now in Young Women at church and I think every week "I am so lame." But, it is good to be lame. I guess we all have to grow up. Oh... and by the way... thanks for the link to the killer choc chip cookie recipe. WOWZER! It is a good one.

ISBAM said...

It is sometimes amazing to me that I'm the person my children are calling for when I hear "mommy." It's bizarre that I'm the responsible one, with the mortgage and the primary calling and all that. That 3rd pregnancy was more physically and mentally challenging than the other 2 together (maybe yours is a boy, too...). But although I sometimes imagine my (many) stretch marks away, they are my battle scars. I have gone to battle for each of my children, and come up a winner. I also remember the lady in my ward growing up that had the most beautiful lines on her face. They curved upward - from YEARS of smiling and laughing through life. So I don't mind my crows feet either. I just hope all my lines point up, too!

April said...

me too.
emotional - check
moody - check
overextended - check
playdough maker - check
crow's feet - check
but, Hays I can't ever imagine you not being cool.

tt moreno said...

i love it. Thanks for sharing, I know i feel the same way. Love in return is a much better reward and makes crows feet not a big deal.

The Wifey said...

Love that pic.

Rachel said...

About 7 years ago (younger than you are now,) Ashley told me that she really like my "smile lines", that it meant I was smiling and happy all the time. I asked her what "smile lines", she said the ones around my eyes.
...now, my smile lines are there all the time, whether I smile or not. So, might as well keep smiling!

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